Serious outbreak of “Not Raining” in parts of England

Reports are coming in of unprecedented outbreaks of “not raining” across the country. Government ministers are advising calm. The Met Office reassure us that normal precipitation levels will resume later today.

In some areas the unusual levels of “not raining” have been accompanied by dangerously blue skies and heavy sunshine. Unconfirmed reports are coming in that the ground has almost dried in parts of England and dangerous levels of light and warmth are been experienced. We do have to stress that these reports are as yet unconfirmed. Roads to Scotland and Wales are heavily congested with people seeking clouds and rainfall. Airports are reporting additional passengers on planes heading to northern regions in search of wind and precipitation.

People are advised to remain under their umbrellas, not to panic and under no circumstances to to remove their hats, coats or wellies. Looking directly at the blue skies is dangerous. If people wish to witness these unusual events, special blue-filter glasses are available from your local chemist or optician. It is also safe to look at the sky through a mirror wearing normal dark glasses for no more than 30 seconds.

In extreme cases of dehydration, people should spray each other with cold water using hosepipes. Simply throwing jugs of cold, dirty water over friends and family every 15 minutes or so will also provide temporary relief and prevent drying out. People are reminded to spray themselves first before sprinkling the elderly, pets and small children.

There are reports of people going outdoors in light clothing. This behaviour is caused by a temporary malfunction of the brain as a result of heat and dehydration. Members of the public are asked not to antagonise or approach under-dressed people, but to inform the emergency services.

Periods of “not raining” and even sunshine have been experienced before in this country, with high survival rates and no long lasting effects. Whilst exposure to sunlight and warmth is not immediately fatal, people should be careful and try to remain as damp, cold and miserable as possible.